I want to get better, be more open and vulnerable, be more stable, let things go instead of holding on to trauma and fear, be more productive and creative. I do. But there is something inside me that kicks and screams when I try to get myself to do the necessary work.

I’ve had a copy of Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way now for years. I did make one attempt to use it, several years ago, and I think made it through a couple of weeks. Now, I’ve pulled it off the shelves again and intend to make a go of it … only, I hesitate.

It’s not that I don’t have time. I just restarted disability and have no job. It’s still summer, and I’m on break from school for a few weeks yet. Apart from helping my girlfriend manage her chaotic life, going to therapy and 12-step meetings, and doing some chores around the house, there is nothing I am committed to do at this point.

This hesitation is the same I feel around exercising, meditating, stepwork, and writing. It manifests as an anxiety around the time it takes out of my day, but we’ve already seen that there is plenty of time. What is it then?

It feels like fear, but fear of what? Fear of opening up part of myself I’ve closed off, perhaps? Fear that I will be rewarding myself in a way I don’t deserve? Fear that any benefit will be countered with severe punishment? Fear of my shadow? I don’t know, and I don’t know if I’m brave enough to find out …